Urinal Etiquette - An Alt-Experience Presentation

An Alt-Experience Presentation

Urinal Etiquette

By Stone Bryson

My friend Carl wrote a blog a few days ago, a PSA about the importance of vaginal care. Inspired by his unselfish desire to help others, I have decided to post my own PSA this morning, although mine deals with a very different issue - urinal etiquette.

See ladies, this may be difficult for you to understand with your (generally speaking) enclosed stalls, but standing in the open to relieve one self can make an individual feel somewhat vulnerable. It is also a scientific fact - true story - that a man has more difficulty releasing his bladder in stressful circumstances. Since almost every single one of the examples below have occurred to me personally, I can speak with authority on this subject.

Therefore, I present this PSA. If all men who step up to the public pissers would follow these basic guidelines, the time spent in these facilities can become much more pleasant. Even harmonious… because a relieved man is a happy man.

So - let's begin.

1) Eyes forward to the wall. Period.

2) If you accidentally violate this directive and look at the person standing next to you, never look down (this will pretty much stop any activity in midstream, which can cause heart palpitations in your fellow urinator), but don't make eye-contact either. Allow your glance to casually pass over the person's face as though they are not there, then pretend to find something fascinating on the far wall.

3) If - and this is an 'if' that should never occur - you happen to look down and see a man's appliance, never EVER comment or react. Saying things like 'holy shit' might be meant as complimentary, but it is just as inappropriate as, 'dude - where's your cock?" Even a surprised look on your face may be misinterpreted, which could result in physical injury.

4) Along these lines, do not engage in conversation at all. There is not a man in existence whom I wish to have witty discourse with whilst holding my dick in my hand. If someone violates this basic rule of common sense with you, answer with a lot of mm-hmms, OKs, and I'll-be-damneds. Try to disengage as gracefully as possible, and then continue the conversation at the sinks afterword, if warranted.

5) If you are one who insists on violating the 'no-convo' rule, avoid asking the question "how's it hangin?'" It is none of your damned business, and you should know that 14 states have laws on the books which allow me to punch you in the eye under these circumstances.

6) No matter how badly you have to go, when approaching the porcelain receptor always be firmly planted directly in front of it before opening your fly. Not only is this considerate to your fellow urinators, it just makes good sense. You never know if the floor has just been mopped, and a slip-and-tumble whilst having your equipment exposed could be disastrous.

7) Furthermore, even if you have been pinching one off for five hours and the release is the greatest feeling you have ever experienced, do NOT moan in pleasure. Seriously - what the hell are you thinking?

8) Put your junk away - and fasten your fly - before stepping away from the toilet apparatus. If you feel compelled to display your danglers for all attendees in the restroom facility, their eyes will unavoidably be drawn to said-danglers. This can cause a cascade effect of the previous rules being tragically violated, which will ruin the entire urination experience for all concerned. This is not kosher.

9) While passing gas loudly is acceptable - hell, it can even be an amusing break in the monotony, and since there are no women around it's the one place you should be able to do so comfortably - commenting that "I think I just shit my pants" immediately afterward will conjure unwanted images. This can lead to painful, mid-stream stoppage which will not be appreciated; fart, chuckle, then go about your business - without commentary.

10) Wash your damned hands after you have completed your experience; you are grabbing the friggin' handle on the exit door before me, you sick bastard. Is further commentary even necessary?

11) Most importantly - if all urinals are occupied and you are waiting for your turn, keep a comfortable distance between yourself and the person ahead of you. While our eyes may be forward, we men have a sixth sense when it comes to what is going on behind us. Standing too closely - hello, you aren't waiting in concession line, for cripes sake! - will cause involuntary butt-clenchage. This can lead to delayed completion of urination, not only extending your wait-time but also leading to bad feelings toward you as a fellow urinator. And remember - this is NOT the place for bad feelings.

There you go. If all men would adhere to these basic concepts, I am convinced we would all feel much better about our time spent in the public facilities. This can only foster happier men outside the restroom, which in turn could very well lead to world peace.

And really - what is wrong with that?

My name is Stone Bryson, and I approve this message...

Note: Excepting rule 11, the previous rules are somewhat flexible in cases where intoxication is prevalent.

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